As we edited our short documentary today, my team reminisced on the amazing moments we shared with Community Health Workers during filming. We’ve been laughing and reveling in our memories of the songs before the training session, joking with Windy’s son, and dancing outside the outpost. But as we bring some levity into our arduous editing sessions, I can’t help but feel guilty about my part in these experiences.
I was lucky enough to be holding the Blackmagic camera most of the time while we were shooting, and I really appreciated and enjoyed that opportunity because of my love for cinematography. I don’t regret taking on that role at all, but it did mean that I was hyperfocused on getting the shots we needed. During the song and prayer session on Friday, I was running around the room, recording Community Health Workers from as many angles and distances as I could imagine that might be useful and powerful. I was definitely moved at the time but when I look back on this day, I remember the stress of finding good shots instead of the beauty of their voices. This happened during the interviews as well; some of the content in our interviews came as a surprise to me when I watched them later. In a way, I feel guilty that I missed out on the emotional side of this experience because of the times that I was so focused, that I tuned out the world outside the screen on the camera.
I also wonder if guilt is the right word for what I feel. I sort of think my qualms regarding our days of shooting are selfish. My primary responsibility at the outpost was to get the footage we need to make a short documentary that conveys the importance and problems of CHWs adequately and powerfully enough to demonstrate a need for change. I don’t know if I fulfilled my responsibility (especially since there were definitely times when I got accidentally distracted and made mistakes), but I definitely tried my best, and I don’t mind sacrificing my own enjoyment of this experience in exchange for the focus that is essential to cinematography.
And yet, my hyperfocus still seems disrespectful to me. The Community Health Workers welcomed us into very intimate moments and shared a lot of meaningful information. While I can rewatch and learn from the footage we got, I feel bad about not giving the CHWs the attention they deserved at the time. I wonder if I was even a little cold while standing behind the camera. Trusting that our documentary will help TB Proof get funding and advocate for the condition of CHWs, I hope that any possible future benefits from our work mean that focusing on my responsibility during shooting was more important than giving them my full attention.
I’m a naturally anxious and indecisive person (shocker, I know) so I still don’t know how I feel about my experiences with the Community Health Workers. There is a balance between giving the people you’re working with the attention and friendliness they deserve, focusing on cinematographic responsibilities, and enjoying the meaningful filmmaking experience. I tried my best to find this balance on Thursday and Friday but still feel like I fell short on attentiveness and really taking the whole experience in. In the future, I want to keep standing behind the camera but when I reflect on those two days, I have no idea what that balance should be, I’m not even sure which of these should be the main priority. However, among feelings of guilt and confusion, I’m trying not to be too hard on myself for a change because as everyone keeps reminding me, we’re here to learn and make mistakes, even in personal and emotional aspects of filmmaking.
